Over at the 9Marks blog Michael McKinley has a great piece on the anatomy of a church conflict from Mike Minter‘s seminar he attended. Here’s the breakdown:

1. An offense occurs.
2. A biased view of the offense is shared with friends.
3. Friends take up the offense.
4. Sides begin to form.
5. Suspicion on both sides develop.
6. Each side looks for evidence to confirm their suspicion. You can be sure they will find it.
7. Exaggerated statements are made.
8. In the heat of conflict those involved hear things that were never said and say things they wish they had never said.
9. Third parties, no matter how well intentioned, can never accurately transfer information from one offended party to the other.
10. Past offenses unrelated to the original offense surface.
11. Integrity is challenged.
12. People call each other liars.
13. Those who try to solve the problem (e.g., church leadership) are blamed for not following the proper procedure and become the new focus.
14. Many are hurt.

This reminded me of the introductory passage in Getting to the Heart of Conflict that introduces where conflict really comes from:

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people could simply renounce their bad habits and decide to respond to conflict in a gracious and constructive way? But it is not that easy. In order to break free from the pattern they have fallen into, they need to understand why they react to conflict the way they do.

Jesus provides us with clear guidance on this issue. During His earthly ministry, a young man approached the Lord and asked Him to settle an inheritance dispute with his brother. “Jesus replied, ‘Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?’ Then he said to them, ‘Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions’” (Luke 12:13-15).

This passage reveals a common human pattern. When faced with conflict, we tend to focus passionately on what our opponent has done wrong or should do to make things right. In contrast, God always calls us to focus on what is going on in our own hearts when we are at odds with others. Why? Because our heart is the wellspring of all our thoughts, words, and actions, and therefore the source of our conflicts. “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19).

The heart’s central role in conflict is vividly described in James 4:1-3. If you understand this passage, you will have found a key to preventing and resolving conflict.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

This passage describes the root cause of destructive conflict: Conflicts arise from unmet desires in our hearts. When we feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, the desire turns into a demand. If someone fails to meet that desire, we condemn him in our heart and quarrel and fight to get our way. In short, conflict arises when desires grow into demands and we judge and punish those who get in our way. Let us look at this progression one step at a time.

You can read the whole thing, including how conflict progresses in our hearts, here. Also, check out the original 9Marks post here.

Over at the CCEF Blog, Ed Welch has a really great post about how hardships are a part of God’s purposes and how we, as His children, can rest in this truth. He first quotes Ken Sande:

“What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about conflict?”

Ken Sande asked this question at a conference I attended. He could have asked “what is the first thing” or “what are the first fifty things.” For me, the answers would all be variations on the same theme. I hate conflict; I want to run from it. The “things” that come to my mind about conflict are: hate, loathe and avoid.

Then he asked, “How many people thought “opportunity”?

Not me. Not in a million years, even if I could cheat by consulting a dictionary or Wikipedia. To me, conflict is misery—not an opportunity…

And then he connects this concept to the hardships we face in life:

Since God is sovereign and has good purposes, hardships are opportunities. They must be.

Many people have already learned this. Here is what some of them have said.

That “C” on the exam—is an opportunity to live by faith in Jesus rather than in my perceived successes.

That hard marriage—is an opportunity to love as I have been loved.

That miscarriage—is an opportunity to know that my Father has unlimited compassion for his children and I can trust him.

That cancer—(and this is really a hard one) is an opportunity to die well and show my children what it means to live and die by faith.

I found his whole article very encouraging and worth the read. You can read the whole thing here.

Over at The Blazing Center, Mark Altrogge just kicked off a series on receiving criticism that I plan on keeping an eye on. In his first part, he talks about how it doesn’t feel good to get criticized but that it’s good for our Christian growth:

David actually prayed for God to people to correct him.

Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head;
let my head not refuse it. (Psalm 141:5)

I don’t remember the last time I asked God to send people to rebuke me.  But if David prayed for it, it must be good.

Altrogge then recommends 5 ways for us to be better recievers of rebuke. I’ve listed them here but you can read the whole description over at the blog.

-If it comes from a believer, view it as a kindness .

–Make it easy for people to bring stuff to you.–Remember you’re a sinner. 

–There’s almost always some truth in every criticism, even if it’s inaccurate or given poorly.

– Don’t be wise in your own eyes.

As one who doesn’t much like getting criticism, I found the post helpful, especially when combined with the lessons in The Cross and Criticism by Alfred Poirier.

Over at the Biblical Counseling Coalition blog they have a series on our motives for fighting. I recommend reading the whole thing, but wanted to pull out this gem out just to give you guys a taste:

…deep within the human heart are self-loving desires that are so strong and so determined to be satisfied that, when thwarted, lead to conflicts with those who get in the way of their fulfillment. “You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel” (James 4:2).

Jerry Bridges writes, “Resentment, bitterness, and self-pity build up inside our hearts and eat away at our spiritual lives like a slowly spreading cancer. All of these sinful inner emotions have in common a focus on self. They put our disappointments, our wounded pride, or our shattered dreams on the thrones of our hearts, where they become idols to us” (The Practice of Godliness).”

Read the rest here.

If you are struggling with unforgiveness, take another look at the enormous debt for which God has forgiven you. Turning to the Bible and reminding yourself of God’s holiness will help you see more clearly the seriousness of even your smallest sin (see Isa. 6:1-5; James 2:10-11). Make a list of some of the sins for which God has forgiven you. In particular, ask yourself whether you have ever treated God or others the same way you have been treated by the person you are trying to forgive. Take a long look at this list and remind yourself what you deserve from God because of your sins. Then rejoice in the wonderful promise of Psalm 103:8-11: “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love….  He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him.”

The more you understand and appreciate the wonders of God’s forgiveness, the more motivation you will have to forgive others.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 217

Food for Thought

I remember when I read this part of Ken’s book for the first time, having spent years refusing to forgive an individual who had wronged me. I had rationalized my refusal by telling myself that since he hadn’t asked, I wasn’t obligated to have an attitude of forgiveness. I had decided to wait for this person to ask me for forgiveness, and had planned how much he would have to suffer in my process of forgiveness. I doubt I’m alone in thinking this way. But then I was convicted. I was reminded that Jesus went to the cross to forgive my sins long before I ever acknowledged those sins and sought forgiveness. Who was I to withhold forgiveness, as much as it depends on me, in light of this realization?

I took Ken’s challenge that very day and began to make a list of some of the sins for which God had forgiven me. I didn’t have to think back more than a few days to have a sizeable list. Looking at my list, I recognized immediately the enormous debt God had paid on my behalf, and that I was in no position to refuse that same forgiveness to anybody else.

Are you withholding forgiveness from somebody today? Perhaps it’s time for you to accept the same challenge from Ken. Take a few minutes and write down some of the sins for which you’ve been forgiven. Then write down the sins this other person has perpetuated against you. How do the lists compare? Do you recognize the enormity of the mercy you have been shown? It is only when we first meditate on how much we have been forgiven that we can even begin to follow the exhortation to “forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13b).

On the website of World Magazine (www.worldmag.com), there is an excellent article on peacemaking by Andrée Seu that will be in the upcoming January 1 issue of World.

In the article, she documents 5 conflicts resolved in her life over the last week.  Reflecting on them, she writes:

“I feel quite happy at the moment. Not with myself, precisely, but with the Lord. I had done things His way, and His way paid off. I have peace. Peace is nice, I like it. Please understand, I am not viewing this repentance business mechanistically, nor appreciating doctrine from a purely utilitarian point of view. Nevertheless, it is fun to see how well God’s commands “work.” I feel like I just bought a new double-flex rod “pocket fisherman,” and it practically catches trout by itself.”

Isn’t it wonderful how God commands us to do things that truly are in our best interest?  He loves us, and that is why he calls us to be peacemakers and to live at peace with Him and with those around us.

Read the whole article on the World Magazine website.

While I was rummaging around my blog feed reader this week, I ran across two outstanding posts about Christ’s peace that are too good not to share with you. They both wrestle with the idea of what biblical peace looks like and how that contrasts with the way the world around us defines it.

The first post is one written by Dr. Moore. I have it excerpted here, but it’s definitely worth your time to read the whole thing:

The way we tend to think of “peace” is in terms of a tranquility, a lack of disturbance. This is perhaps all the more in focus with our contemporary notions of what Christmas is all about, reinforced constantly by the marketers all around us.

It is more than possible to have this kind of peace in a Christless life. In fact, it’s easier that way. The shepherds on the Bethlehem feeding grounds were probably experiencing a very “peaceful” night before the sky exploded with supernatural beings, beings ferocious enough to necessitate a command not to fear. The message of peace comes in the drama of disturbance.

…

I find that, too often, I want a satanic peace, the kind that comes with Christlessness. I just want tranquility, to be left alone with the path in which I want to go. That’s the kind of peace that comes with slavery, and it’s attractive (Gal. 4:9). After all, peace with Pharaoh simply means making more stray bricks. Peace with the flesh simply means watching out for your own tribal loyalties. Peace with Satan simply means marching in rhythm with your desires toward a bloody grave (Eph. 2:1-3).

You can have a Christless pseudo-peace, for a little while.

But true shalom doesn’t leave us alone, as though we were orphans (Heb. 12:8). Christful peace prompts us to struggle (Heb. 12:4), to scream out for deliverance (Rom. 8:15), to be nailed down in execution (Mt. 10:38).

Only in that kind of disturbance do we find the “peace that passes all understanding” (Phil. 4:7). In the gospel that uproots the powers of this age (including our own tranquil egos), we find “peace with God” (Rom. 5:1), as our consciences are cleansed before him. We find peace with one another as we find our identity in Christ who is our peace, and the old dividing walls implode (Eph. 2:14-17).

That’s a sword-rattling kind of peace, and it’s anything but calm, anything but quiet.

Read the whole thing here.

This second article was a guest post on Desiring God’s blog from Dustin of His Peace Upon Us. He primarily tackles the way we view the calling of God to be peacemakers:

Our master, Jesus the Messiah, said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Christians are called to be peacemakers. So how are we doing? Is this what we are known for? Does this describe you?

Imagine you were to tell your family that you wanted to be a peacemaker. Would they first think of the church or the UN? “Peacemaker” ought to be synonymous with Christian, especially in light of the frequent New Testament commands to be at peace with others (i. e. Romans 12:18; 14:19; 2 Corinthians 13:11). Do we realize that not only does Paul give a blessing of grace at the beginning of each of his letters, but he also always includes peace?

But what is a peacemaker? Here is an intentionally peace-filled definition that I hope helps reawaken us to the prominence of peace in the Bible:

A peacemaker is someone who experiences the peace of God (Philippians 4:7) because he is at peace (Romans 5:1) with the God of peace (Philippians 4:9) through the Prince of peace (Isaiah 9:6), who, indeed, is our peace (Ephesians 2:14), and who therefore seeks to live at peace with all others (Romans 12:18) and proclaims the gospel of peace (Ephesians 6:15) so that others might have joy and peace in believing (Romans 15:13).

I have quite a bit to chew on after reading those posts and I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did. Too often my image of peace and, by extension,  a peacemaker is shaped by what I read in the news and watch in movies and not by what God himself says about it in his Word.

I was sitting on the front row at the Peacemaker Ministries conference when I heard it for the first time: “Unforgiveness is a symptom of gospel amnesia.”

“That’s handy”, I thought, so I wrote it down (and tweeted it).  I didn’t know how important those words really were.

Last week, someone lovingly pointed out various ways that they saw signs of bitterness manifested in my life. You see, I had started changing the subject whenever a specific person was mentioned or would engage in the conversation with a tone of resentment. I thought I had done a good job of hiding my unforgiving heart, but my friend knew me and could tell something was going on that needed to be confronted. While this did hurt, it was done in a gracious spirit and got me to thinking, “What’s going on here? Why is it that I feel the need to hold on to these things?” Then I remembered, “Unforgiveness is a symptom of gospel amnesia.”

Ah, right.

I had forgotten the gospel (practically) and how it should shape my life. How typical of me and my nature! How insulting to my God and the sacrifice His Son has made!  Christ’s blood atonement on the cross for me means that I am no longer bound by my sins and that I am free to forgive others knowing that God will ultimately handle everything. Also, being unwilling to let go of the bitterness in my heart is open rebellion against the Holy Spirit, who calls for my soul to be a new creation.

This is when I realized that if there is no evidence of the gospel being made visible in my life, I am probably not being changed by the power gospel. As I am renewed by the gospel, I should live out the gospel.

I pray that the gospel will become more apparent in this area of my life and that the following command continues to become a reality in the church:

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

(Colossians 3:12-17)

Note: If you’re interested in listening to the message by Joshua Harris that the quote originally came from, you can stream it here:  http://bit.ly/9llkBD

In the final installment in our series on The Four G’s, we will take a look at how to get help from others in resolving a conflict.

Get Help from the Church

As God helps you to practice his peacemaking principles, you will be able to resolve most of the normal conflicts of daily life on your own. Sometimes, however, you will encounter situations that you do not know how to handle. In such situations, it is appropriate to turn to a spiritually mature person within the church who can give you advice on how you might be able to apply these principles more effectively.

In most cases, such “coaching” will enable you to go back to the other person in the conflict and work out your differences in private. If the person from whom you seek advice does not have much experience in conflict resolution, it may be helpful to give him or her a copy of Guiding People through Conflict, which provides practical, nuts-and-bolts guidance on how to help other people resolve conflict.

When individual advice does not enable you to resolve a dispute, you should ask one or two mutually respected friends to meet with you and your opponent to help you settle your difference through mediation or arbitration (see Matt. 18:16-17; 1 Cor. 6:1-8). For more information on how to get guidance and assistance in resolving a dispute, click Get Help With Conflict.