All it takes is one person who hears the call of God and responds, “Here am I. Send me!” (Isa. 6:8). Perhaps for your church, that person is you. Please pray about it and reflect on the Scriptures given above. Ask God to give you a longing to see a culture of peace in your church that reflects the love and power of his Son. If he gives you that longing, hard work awaits you, but great blessing is also in store, for Jesus’ promise in Matthew 5:9 is absolutely dependable:

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande,
Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 297

Food for Thought

It just takes one.

There is a theory in the study of family systems that says if just one person begins to change, then the family changes. For example, if a passive son begins to be more assertive in his decisions and behavior, then the whole family changes. They may look the same, drive the same old Honda, and still play Monopoly every Saturday night. But since he changed, the family is no longer the same. And the courage of one member to change often inspires others to change as well.

So who will begin to change your church’s culture to one of peacemaking? Ken writes: “Perhaps…that person is you.” What? Me? Surely not! I mean, doesn’t that need to come through the pastor or the elders or the deacons or the Sunday school teachers? I’m just one person.

Exactly! That’s where change begins–always has, always will. It begins with the man or woman in the mirror. If you begin to practice biblical peacemaking in your church, your church will change. It may keep the same street address, sing the same hymns, and keep the steel-blue pew cushions, but it will be different. It all begins with the courage of one with the power of One.

 

Overlooking offenses is appropriate under two conditions. First, the offense should not have created a wall between you and the other person or caused you to feel different toward him or her for more than a short period of time. Second, the offense should not be causing serious harm to God’s reputation, to others, or to the offender.

Overlooking is not a passive process in which you simply remain silent for the moment but file away the offense for later use against someone. That is actually a form of denial that can easily lead to brooding over the offense and building up internal bitterness and resentment that will eventually explode in anger. Instead, overlooking is an active process that is inspired by God’s mercy through the gospel. To truly overlook an offense means to deliberately decide not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness. If you cannot let go of an offense in this way, if it is too serious to overlook, or if it continues as part of a pattern in the other person’s life, then you will need to go and talk to the other person about it in a loving and constructive manner.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 83.

 

Food for Thought

 

Overlooking an offense is deeper than we like to believe. It is so much more than giving lip service because it seems the right thing to do. It is truly a heart issue. In a society where letting people off the hook is seen as a weakness, we have great opportunity to show God’s love and forgiveness in the midst of our conflicts. Ken provides excellent criteria to help decide if it is appropriate to overlook an offense. In light of God’s mercy, is there an offense you can truly overlook today?

Proverbs 19:11 says “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” The first step to resolving a conflict is to think seriously about whether it is appropriate to overlook an offense. If it is, then put the matter to rest and commit, with God’s help, not to dwell on the issue. If not, then it is appropriate to go to your brother and discuss it between the two of you.

 

“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Matt. 6:12

Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When someone sins, they create a debt, and someone must pay it. Most of this debt is owed to God. In his great mercy, he sent his Son to pay the debt on the cross for all who would trust in him (Isa. 53:4-6; I Peter 2:24-25, Col. 1:19-20).

But if someone sinned against you, part of their debt is also owed to you. This means you have a choice to make. You can either take payments on the debt or make payments.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 207

 

Food for Thought

 

What thoughts or feelings does the word debt stir in you?

There’s a phrase of the Lord’s Prayer that you may not hear much anymore: “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” You usually hear “forgive us our sins” or “forgive us our trespasses“; both are correct in translation and meaning. But many have gotten away from this word debt. Ever wonder why?

The words we choose to use say much about us. Words are vehicles for meaning. Ponder this for a moment. Maybe, just maybe, using the word sin or trespass helps up to keep this phrase at arm’s length. Trespass is so old fashioned, we can say it and just keep on moving. It’s not a word we use everyday, so we just recite it, robot-like, and go to the next phrase. Sin is this big category that contains so many thoughts and feelings that it’s almost overwhelming, so much so that we say it and then stick our heads in the ground, hoping it will go away. And keeping this phrase at arm’s length unfortunately keeps our hearts at arm’s length from God and others.

But debt — now that means something. We’re free of debt, we’re trying to get out of debt, or maybe we’re deep in debt. Using that word forces us to remember, as Ken writes, that forgiveness is a costly activity. Now that has specificity to it — someone or something has to pay. As a human being, you and I can decide to either take payments or make payments on the debt that comes from someone sinning against us. If we’re interested in being a peacemaker, well, then the choice is made — make the payment in light of the payment He made for your debt, pray the prayer, and live the life as He taught us — as we forgive our debtors.

Peacemakers are people who breathe grace. They draw continually on the goodness and power of Jesus Christ, and then they bring his love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom to the conflicts of daily life. God delights to breathe his grace through peacemakers and use them to dissipate anger, improve understanding, promote justice, and encourage repentance and reconciliation.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 11

Food for Thought

Have you ever been around a person who was truly filled with the peace of God? Were you drawn to her serenity—regardless of her circumstance? (For didn’t you see Christ’s peace in her the most when her trials were at their worst?) Did his confidence in God’s goodness strengthen you when you faced times of trial and doubt? (Because you knew that his faith in God was not a shallow faith—but one born of great suffering and painful perseverance through the storms of life?)

When you think about that peaceful, grace-filled person, what were her relationships like? Did she leave a legacy of hurting, offended, discouraged people in her wake? Was he known as a man who “always had the right answer” and frequently spoke words of condemnation? Probably not. People who are filled with God’s peace also tend to be at peace with others. Why?

“Peacemakers are people who breathe grace,” Ken reminds us. The peace of God transcends all understanding and it fills their hearts like fountains bubbling over with mercy, kindness, genuine care, and abiding love. They are so filled with God’s grace that they splash it onto everyone around them. They could no more stop breathing grace than a person could stop breathing air—because grace is the air that they breathe. Their prayers sound something like this:

• Breathing grace in: The one true holy God sent his Son to die for me? I am saved from hell, from my sin; justified before this holy God; forgiven and adopted? What wondrous love is this! Thank you, God. Thank you for forgiving me all my sins and making the way for me to be at peace with you. I worship You!
• Breathing grace out: And now, dear Lord, as I head into my day—let the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ be the heartbeat of my life. Please, God, let every word I say, every action I take, the attitude of my heart, my desires and inclinations—let my life be used by You, for Your glory and the furtherance of Your Kingdom. Please help me to treat others not as they deserve—but as You treat me. May I be your image-bearer, your representative, your ambassador. Thank You, Lord.

Dear friends, let every breath we take and every word we speak today be filled with grace!

— Tara Barthel (Billings, MT) is a former attorney and the author of our Women’s Study. She currently serves her family as a homemaker while regularly speaking at women’s events and blogging on God’s considerable grace.

If it is difficult for you to identify and confess your wrongs, there are two things you can do. First, ask God to help you see your sin clearly and repent of it, regardless of what others may do (Ps. 129:23-24). Then prayerfully study his Word and ask him to show you where your ways have not lined up with his ways (Heb. 4:12). Second, ask a spiritually mature friend to counsel and correct you (Prov. 12:15; 19:20). The older I get, the less I trust myself to be objective when I am involved in a conflict. Time after time I have been blessed by asking a friend to candidly critique my role in a conflict. I have not always liked what my friends have said, but as I have humbled myself and submitted to their correction, I have always seen more clearly.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 120

Food for Thought

In Psalm 32, David talks about how hidden sin eats us up. “For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of the summer.”

Yet as we read on in the chapter, David identifies no less than seven mighty acts God will work on our behalf as we confess our sin. He begins with the stunning promise that “surely in the rush of great waters they shall not reach him” and ends with the assurance that “steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord”.

Are you struggling with private or unconfessed sin? Read Psalm 32 and see if you can identify all seven of the ways God promises to intercede on your behalf as you take the difficult step of acknowledging (even publicly, if appropriate) your wrongdoing. Then read 2 Timothy 2:21 and take comfort in the knowledge that God is seeking to cleanse you from your sin to use you for noble purposes ahead.

Trusting God does not mean that we will never have questions, doubts, or fears. We cannot simply turn off the natural thoughts and feelings that arise when we face difficult circumstances. Trusting God means that in spite of our questions, doubts, and fears we draw on his grace and continue to believe that he is loving, that he is in control, and that he is always working for our good. Such trust helps us to continue doing what is good and right, even in difficult circumstances.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 65

Food for Thought

I can trust God while I am feeling __________ (you fill in the blank).

How many of us can drive while talking on our cell phones (with an approved hands-free device, of course)? That’s right, everybody raise your hand. How about eating breakfast while reading the morning news? Yes, again, that goes together like peanut butter and jelly or chocolate and vanilla. Most of us can do one or more things while we’re doing something else. So why does it feel different when it comes to the life of faith?

How many times do we believe that the presence of trust means the complete absence of questions, doubts, and fears? (Don’t ask that question so much for your neighbor as for your yourself.) Ken wisely reminds us that this is just not true. It’s perfectly acceptable in God’s eyes to continue believing that he is loving while having questions about his method of showing that how that love is manifest. It doesn’t reflect a lack of faith to continue believing that he is in control while having some doubts about what control really means. And the biblical record, at least, seems to honor the person who continues to believe that he is working for our good while the flames of persecution are being fanned.

Continuing down the path that God has prepared for us even while having questions, doubts and fears is the very definition of trust. Any other definition is a half-truth. We can still pray, “Increase our faith!” but we don’t have to be discouraged every time doubts creep into our hearts. Do you mean my heart can have questions and doubts, and that doesn’t disqualify me in the faith category? Remember, as the apostle John reminds us, that “God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” (1 John 3:20).

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies,
do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you,
pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28).

Even when we say, “I forgive you,” many of us have a difficult time not thinking about what others have done to hurt us… It is very difficult simply to stop thinking about an unpleasant experience. Instead, we must replace negative thoughts and memories with positive ones… Every time you begin to dwell on or brood over what someone else has done, ask for God’s help and deliberately pray for that person or think of something about the offender that is “true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy.”

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 220-221

Food for Thought

Would people describe you as rebellious? If so, in what way? If not, why?

Rebel is not the way most believers would describe themselves these days. It’s just a stone’s throw from rebellious, and we surely wouldn’t want to lean in that direction. But even a cursory reading of Jesus’ words show just how rebellious the Christian life is. He tells us to go totally cross-grain to the way of this world — do the counterintuitive thing. So put on your James Dean jacket, slick your hair back, re-read Jesus’ words and let’s redeem the word rebel. But remember our cause — reconciliation with God.

Ken’s encouragement to use the replacement principle is exactly what Jesus is referring to in Luke 6. Instead of hating those who hate you — negate the hate with doing good. When you want to curse those who are cursing you, rearrange your four-letter words so that they spell bless. And all those who mistreat you? Replace your “I’m gonna’ gitcha’” scheme with “Lord, have mercy.” But be warned — people don’t like rebels, and they usually want to make them go away. This kind of godly rebelliousness may leave your James Dean jacket in shreds, your hair may lose all its slick, and it just might get you persecuted. There’s a pretty good precedent for that. But remember our cause — the peace of God. God’s true rebels are not necessarily the popular and successful, but the hated, cursed and mistreated; those who stay true to the cause no matter what. And the cause is peace. Peace has a face (and it’s not James Dean’s). “For he himself is our peace” (Ephesians 2.14) — Jesus himself replaces justice with mercy and condemnation with freedom. What a rebel!

“You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought
to be like the clay!” Isaiah 29:16

God’s sovereignty is so complete that he exercises ultimate control even over painful and unjust events (Exod. 4:10-12; Job 1:6-12; 42:11; Ps. 71:20-22; Isa. 45:5-7; Lam. 3:37-38; Amos 3:6; I Peter 3:17). This is difficult for us to understand and accept, because we tend to judge God’s actions according to our notions of what is right. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we say to ourselves, “If I were God and could control everything in the world, I wouldn’t allow someone to suffer this way.” Such thoughts show how little we understand and respect God.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 61

 

Food for Thought

In seeking to follow God’s will, are you open to His won’t?

There have been countless sermons preached and numerous books written concerning God’s will. But have you ever heard someone talk about God’s won’t? How many times have you asked, sought and knocked, only to hear God say, “No.”? We often find ourselves in painful and unjust events; we discover thorns in our flesh or hear peace proclaimed where there is no peace. And we cry out, “Save us! Take it away! Roll down your justice, O Lord!” We might ask three times or maybe even keep at it for three years. But the answer from heaven appears to be, “I won’t.”

As Ken points out, this is difficult for us to understand and accept. We’re convinced that God should do this or should intervene there. And when it appears that he won’t, we question his control. Or his love. Or both. And it’s not that the questioning is wrong, per se, but that the questioning frequently gets “ment-ed” — filled with judgment or resentment toward God. However, “such thoughts show how little we understand and respect God.” We turn things upside down and seek to understand them based on what little we really know or see. We have to remember that we are the clay, not the potter. There is a God and we’re not him. The life of faith is allowing our lives to be lived God-side-up, obediently trusting his infinitely, tender hand to mold and shape us according to his good will. And that includes his good won’t.

Corlette summarized The Four Promises of Forgiveness in a little poem for her children’s curriculum, The Young Peacemaker:

Good thought,
Hurt you not.
Gossip never,
Friends forever.

Whenever I need to forgive my children for something they have done, I pull them onto my lap, put my arms around them, and remind them of the forgiveness we all have in Christ, which enables me to forgive them. Then I recite Corlette’s poem to them. As I say the final words, I pull them close, give them a tight hug, and whisper “Friends forever” softly in their ears. I want them to know that no matter what they have done wrong, Jesus has opened the way for a complete restoration of our relationship … I hope that as they experience genuine, affectionate reconciliation with me over and over again, they will come to know more fully the far better forgiveness they will always find when they run into the arms of God through prayer and faith.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 209

Food for Thought

Have you ever been told words like these?

“Well, you know I’ve forgiven you. But I’ll never forget the time you …”

If so, what was your relationship like afterwards? Was trust restored? Did you feel the warmth and intimacy of true friendship and a restored relationship? Probably not.

Why is such false forgiveness so incredibly unsatisfying? It is because this is not forgiveness modeled on the forgiveness we receive from God in Christ.

When someone claims to forgive you, but continues to remind you of your wrong over and over again, it is easy to feel ongoing guilt and shame. This is in contrast to the happiness–blessedness–and freedom we have knowing that when God forgives us, he removes our sin “as far as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:12)

If the person you wronged constantly brings up your past offense and keeps you at a “distance,” it is incredibly hard to relax and be yourself around that person because of the sense of ultimate rejection. Compare that to the sweetness of our loving relationship with “Abba Father” who grants us the gift of repentance and then runs to his prodigal children to lavish forgiveness on us and restore us into his family.

So what are we called to do? First of all, we worship God and thank him for his amazing forgiveness. Secondly, we pray for the grace to never say such harmful and unforgiving words to anyone ourselves. And lastly, we are called to persevere in relationship with someone who claims to “forgive” us, but who consistently brings up our past offense, tells others about it, and keeps us at arms-length. We look for opportunities to bless them, share Christ with them, and prayerfully strive to help deliver them from their bitterness and unforgiveness towards us.

When dealing with difficult people, it is also important to recognize your limits. Even when you continue to do what is right, some people may adamantly refuse to admit you are right or to live at peace with you. This is why Paul wrote, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18). In other words, do all you can to be reconciled to others, but remember that you cannot force others to do what is right. If you have done everything within your power to resolve a conflict, you have fulfilled your responsibility to God and may stop actively trying to solve the problem.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 252

Food for Thought

It was a credit card advertisement. It had the usual assortment of young, good-looking people out pursuing young, good-looking things. Right below the name of the credit card company were these words: No limits. That was the impression they wanted to leave you with — this card allows you a life of no limits.

We all know, however, that every credit card has limits. In fact, going beyond those limits might possibly get you a personal visit from an assortment of older, not-so-good-looking debt collectors. But the advertising never mentions that. Everything has limits. Even our peacemaking efforts. “If it is possible…live at peace,” Paul says. We go as far as we possibly can, but we are not able to change the behavior of others. That’s beyond our limits. And the deceiver, the father of lies, knows that.

His spin on the truth convinces us that surely the right thing to do is keep on knocking on the door, confronting, calling, writing, pestering, etc. In other words, he wants us to doing anything other than wait on the Lord and trust Him. But do you see what a lie that is when we become so anxious about making peace? It takes God completely out of the picture. It attempts to make us the god of reconciliation.

But of course, just like the credit card ad, Satan never mentions that.