Ken Sande is fond of referring to his kids as his “backup conscience,” particularly in how he treats his wife. What he means is that there are moments we we are having a particularly heated (ahem) “discussion” with our wives where our primary conscience seems to be malfunctioning — we are no longer treating them with care or gentleness, to say the least. And that’s when our backup consciences (our kids) kick in to remind us to stop concentrating so much on the logs in Mom’s eye and start thinking a little more about getting the logs out of our own eye. Ken has many stories to tell of how his kids have reminded him to do what’s right, even when he was tempted to do otherwise.

I had my own experience of seeing this principle in action this past weekend. As my wife and were going back and forth trying to work through an issue, I could tell that my five-year-old daughter was trying to figure out what she could do to help. (Other times when we’ve been in these situations, she would often go to each of us and whisper in our ears, “Please be a peacemaker.” That in itself is helpful, I must admit.) But this time, after her mother left the room for a few minutes, she spoke directly to me.

“Daddy,” she said. “How excited was Mommy when you asked her to marry you?”

I had to smile at that moment for two reasons:

1. She had to have been thinking hard about it all, and I could picture the wheels turning in her mind. She must have wondered, “Hmmm… what is something I can say to Daddy to remind him how much he loves Mommy. Something that will make him forget that he’s mad at her right now. I know! I can ask him about when they got engaged!” I liked following her train of thought and where it eventually arrived.
2. But moreso, when you think back on the nervousness, fun, and joy involved in your marriage proposal, as well as all the reasons you wanted to get married to this person, how can you not smile? My daughter had reflected the truth of Philippians 4:8 in reminding me, “Whatever is lovely… think on these things.” 

It’s not like the issue immediately went away, but a definite softening of my heart happened there. And that helped us to deal with the issue more constructively. (I told my wife about it later, and she appreciated it, too. You can read her side of the story here.)

I was proud of my daughter for acting as a peacemaker in that moment. She really did help to serve as my backup conscience — even if I wasn’t really asking for it to kick in (but I guess that’s the point of having a backup). This is certainly one of the fringe benefits of teaching our children these principles of peacemaking. (If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take a look at the Young Peacemaker materials and consider how you might incorporate them in your own family.)

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