Apr 24 2008
Peacemaking 201
My wife and I had a pretty big conflict yesterday. (Ironically, it was related to peacemaking! Go figure.) You can read her take on the situation over at her blog.
I don’t have too much to add, but it got me thinking… why is it that two people who have been steeped in peacemaking for the last 8-10 years (we teach on it, write on it, read about it, or think about it pretty much every day) can STILL have such a heated disagreement?
There are all sorts of “rules of peacemaking” that we both know inside and out (like the 7 A’s of Confession that Tara talks about in her post). But quite frankly, they didn’t matter at the moment.
I am quite sure that we both felt that the argument was AT LEAST 90% the other person’s fault. (It’s amazing how that happens!) And I wasn’t in any mood to take ownership of my perceived 10% responsibility. My understanding of how I was supposed to own 100% of my contribution to the conflict (no matter how small) just didn’t matter at the moment.
I had the words of our pastor echoing in my head from our last Sunday School class (on marriage, no less). He exhorted us men to be the “chief confessor” and show our leadership by leading our families toward reconciliation. Even though I thought about these things, again, it simply didn’t matter at the moment.
So my problem, as it is for all of us, was that of unbelief. In that moment, while I knew all these good things, I really didn’t believe them. From a pragmatic standpoint, I didn’t believe that acting differently would make the situation go better. But at that moment, I ultimately didn’t believe that the reality of Christ’s death and resurrection and ongoing work in Tara’s life (and my own) would make any diffence in that situation. The gospel didn’t mean much to me right then, and it showed in my speech and actions.
God was gracious to help us eventually work through it, but in the end, we could only fall on his mercy. “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)
I’ve been thinking for some time about what “Peacemaking 201″ — that next level of learning about peacemaking — looks like. What are the things Christians should learn and study that aren’t contained in The Peacemaker? I think that’s a valid question and that there are a lot of interesting issues that we as individuals and churches should grapple with. But my experience yesterday shows me that Peacemaking 201 is really just the lab course for Peacemaking 101. Day by day, I need to keep learning to apply the basic truth of Peacemaking 101 — that the gospel of Jesus Christ affects how we relate to one another.
I don’t think I’ll be graduating any time soon.
I have a huge time understanding the concept of unbelief as the root of all our sin.
You said: “So my problem, as it is for all of us, was that of unbelief. In that moment, while I knew all these good things, I really didn’t believe them. From a pragmatic standpoint, I didn’t believe that acting differently would make the situation go better.”
I’ve heard this said by many people (including Tara!), but I just don’t GET it.
My feeling is that it’s not unbelief. It’s just not caring. When I fight with my husband and chuck all the peacemaking principles out the window, it’s not that I don’t BELIEVE that those principles are correct or that God’s way is the right way… it’s that in the heat of the moment I JUST DON’T CARE. I care only about my rights, my feelings, etc.
I just don’t understand how this boils down to unbelief. It seems to me that it boils down to selfishness. Are the two the same somehow?
I know I must be missing something. Any thoughts?
Hi Vikki,
Excellent questions. I actually thought as I was writing it, “Is this really an issue of unbelief?” I think it comes down to what we mean by belief/unbelief. Belief is more than just a mental assent. When James says, “Even the demons believe… and shudder,” he’s pointing out that true belief also includes an element of active trust.
So in this sense, I JUST DON’T CARE really is the same thing as I DON’T BELIEVE. At that moment, I was essentially saying that yes, I know these things to be true, but I don’t trust them. I don’t care about them enough to do anything about it. That’s unbelief. I’m living as a functional atheist at that moment when I say, “I don’t care what God says about this.”
I’m glad we have a great Savior!
Blessings to you,
Fred
This makes sense! Thank you so much.
Thank you so much! It helps to know I’m not alone in the struggle to practice peacemaking. I feel so guilty when I find myself pitching everything I know and have taught about peacemaking right out the window when I go into fight mode with my husband! I believe humility is the key to staying in the peacemaking mode, but when I am challenged, PRIDE stands up and demands to be noticed. I see where you are coming from about unbelief; if I truly believe Jesus died for my HUSBAND’S sins as well as MY sins, I am not better than he is and don’t deserve special treatment such as forgiveness and mercy, while he should be made to suffer!
Life is so challenging!